Behold, the Retarded Monkey Overlord, inventor of the airplane, the Internet and aerosol cheese. The RMO is good at making stuff and breaking stuff. When they run out of inanimate objects to make and break, or simply get bored, they make and break each other. The RMO typically refers to itself as “human.”

Humans, as a matter of asserting dominance, do not like to see themselves as monkeys. After all, are there any humans that just eat all day, jerk off every 5 minutes, act like lunatics and beat the hell out of their friends? Because monkeys are such low class creatures, no human would dare to be associated with their behavior. Some humans are so arrogant that they refuse to believe they evolved from monkeys or that evolution is even possible. Luckily, most will acknowledge the possibility of evolution just to keep away from the Retarded Monkey Creationist.

In Shadows of Our Forgotten Ancestors, Ann Druyan and Carl Sagan assert that humans are humans because they were bad at being monkeys. Mutation or injury could spin a new line of development in a population of primates. To put it bluntly, humans are retarded monkeys. Recently, the concept was validated in dramatic fashion.

In Israel’s Safari Zoo, a macaque monkey named Natasha has begun walking exclusively on her legs after suffering from a severe intestinal illness. After recovering, she went back to the usual monkey activities with one glaring new habit. Natasha is now among the walking. Natasha has adopted the credo of bipedalism. Natasha has brain damage. There’s a very strong correlation between choosing to walk, thinking it’s special and brain damage. Just look around.

It’s not the kind of brain damage that compels someone to walk down any main road in South Florida on a hot summer day. This kind of brain damage is something deeper and far-reaching. Since “monkey see, monkey do” is as concrete as “what goes up, must come down”, humans should fear an army of 10 billion macaque monkeys marching down the street of any given real estate development within three years.

Whether or not the monkey army destroys humanity is really too early to predict. What we do know is that the creationists are now officially dumber than monkeys. Humans do indeed resemble monkeys if only the brain damaged ones. That small bit of knowledge will lead to a world of greater understanding of why both monkeys and humans like to examine Star Wars AT-AT Scout Walker sex techniques.

Natasha represents the beginning of a revolution in evolution. The fact that she can’t talk is irrelevant to corporate machines like AOLTime-Warner. If she can refrain from using her teeth, one of their many adult film subsidiaries will hire her. Capitalism will accommodate everyone, including macaque monkeys.

While capitalism surely will fetch a certain level of acceptance, what about society at large? Humans are no longer the center of the biped world. What if, one day, a monkey wants to enter the Tour de France? Lance Armstrong makes his competitors only look like monkeys. They aren’t really monkeys. Can France endure a monkey champion and remain a stable sovereign nation? They are already at the tipping point and such a scenario would push the country over the edge.

If we fear monkeys, we risk forcing monkeys as a whole into the vitriolic propaganda of monkey supremacy. History, hopefully, has taught humanity to steer clear of that path. But do we do anything to accommodate the monkeys? Calvinists would most certainly say no. Monkeys must work hard and earn their keep in society. It is the only way to heaven.

There’s no easy way to answer the questions provoked by the rise of monkey bipedalism. Humans are brain damaged. Monkeys are brain damaged. Humans walk. Monkeys are getting into the game. If humans are enlightened, somebody would encourage all men to embrace the monkey but, understandably, many humans feel there’s too much of the monkey embracing stuff already.

Chris Uzal ate a ham sandwich before writing this article.

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