On the cusp of a new era for intergalactic politics, NASA, the European Space Agency and the Italian Space Agency have come together in a massive cover-up to quash all information related to Saturn’s largest moon, known to some earthlings as Titan.

Seven years ago, these agencies launched a probe named Cassini-Huygens to explore Saturn, the breathtaking rings that adorn the planet, the moons that shepherd the rings and the seemingly perfect magnetosphere that protects everything from the vicious solar wind. On paper, it is a noble mission indeed. The Cassini-Huygens mission is portrayed as a selfless expenditure of currency to expand the scientific horizons of the entire human race.

Cassini-Huygens is actually two separate probes. Cassini is the American piece. It does all the dirty work of interplanetary navigation, imagery, scientific analysis and information management. Huygens, in contrast, is very European. It sits on Cassini doing nothing for just short of forever until it decides that doing something would be a good idea. Because Europe, with a particular emphasis on France, needs the God of the Big Ole Asteroid to flatten the place, the probe in question will be referred heretofore as “Cassini.”

While exploring Saturn is enlightening, Americans just don’t give acts of astrofornication over the icy volcanism of Enceladus. The fact that Janus has one hemisphere as black as asphalt simply means that the other half needs asphalt, a theme park and paint for the parking spaces. When Americans hear about Phoebe and Rhea, they’ll probably ask if those are new porn stars for Vivid. Saturn has about 18 other moons that will be just as amusing. However, one moon deserves respect and attention. That one moon is explicitly laid out as a mission objective to be explored 40 times over the next four years.

That moon is Titan.

When discussing Titan, NASA uses the term “liquid hydrocarbons” to the point that it seems to please these clowns better than sex, drugs or video games. They get on the borderline of giddy when they say, “oceans of liquid hydrocarbons.” To the hillbillies that are still lost, liquid hydrocarbons are probably better understood to be “black gold” or “Texas steel.” Oil, that is.

Since oil is something Americans care enough about to die for so you might want to pay attention to the Cassini mission. The obsession with Titan goes back to the ‘70s Voyager missions.

Titan has many features that have moved it to ahead of Mars on the “Places to be Invaded” list. First, Titan has an atmosphere. No other moon in the solar system has one. This atmosphere is mostly nitrogen with methane. Organic compounds(i.e. ethane, hydrogen cyanide, carbon dioxide) are present

With an atmospheric pressure of 1.5 Bar, roughnecks wouldn’t need more than modified scuba gear to work on the surface. Space elevators will be, by many expert accounts, available within 15 years. Bush’s Project Prometheus will provide pulse engine technology to ferry people and resources to and from Titan.

To understand a pulse engine, just imagine nuclear warheads exploding behind a spacecraft to help it accelerate. Don’t act surprised. Those dismantled nuclear weapons will still be used. Good use also. I, for one, am looking forward to the equatorial auroras that will form from exploding 57 million warheads in space, all in the name of cheap oil. It will be beautiful.

We’re not going to Mars for the same reason that Bush didn’t invade Egypt—there’s nothing there except monuments built by space aliens. Unless the government grants a colonial charter to Disney, Mars has little hope for exploitation. However, Mars captivates the imagination of billions and billions of tiny minds so NASA plans to fake a Mars colony to please the masses.

One of the earliest images of Titan’s surface reveals a spot the size of Arizona with what appears to be the lighting of a metropolis. There is more light in this area than Arizona at night. We can only assume that the makers of this light and activity are enemies of freedom and hate our way of life.

Let the enemies of freedom know what Japanese video game designers know: All your base are belongs to us. Intergalactic manifest destiny cannot be stopped.

Titan is the future. Oceans of hydrocarbons will make orbital shipyards and asteroid belt mining facilities pay for themselves. Jobs will be created. Robots will be built. Babies will flourish. The alien menace will be destroyed.

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