Watching the NBA playoffs means getting damaged brain tissue from enduring advertisements. Sometimes there’s no tinfoil to make a proper hat so you just have to deal. In the process of dealing with advertising, Cyberista and several readers noticed a pattern.

There are two frightening trends in advertising:

  • Oral sensitivity products
  • Soft food aimed at the aerosol cheese crowd

Here’s a little secret about life: Brush your entire goddamn mouth for more than three minutes per session three times a day and the only thing you’ll need to buy is toothpaste. You can even make your own toothpaste. It’s no big deal. Life becomes good. You can kiss anybody, eat anything and actually smile. Corporate America won’t help you. When you’re fucked up and confused, you’re a profit center.

Now, soft food. The primary culprit is Kentucky Fraud Rat. Somebody in corporate dreamed up the brilliant idea of taking all the scraps out of the trash, off the floor and selling them as a “chicken bowl.” The Kentucky Fried Bowl of Death is pancreatic failure inducing sweet corn, anal obstruction spawning mashed potatoes and—allegedly—chicken.

So you’re a slacker in the oral hygiene department, you’re hungry, you have no concept of health and now you’re about to trust a fast food joint to be honest about the junk they just stuffed into a flimsy plastic container. Do you know for a fact that you’re getting boneless chicken?

Boneless chicken out of a deep fryer doesn’t look or taste a much different from boneless rat, boneless lizard, boneless dog or boneless human hand.

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