Call me the devil's advocate. When the Lord said “let there be light”, who got the contract to carry out the mission? Considering that Lucifer means “bringer of light”, we owe a hell of a lot to the fallen archangel and his followers for all meaning—right and mostly wrong—in the world today.

Lucifer's role in contemporary thought is simply legendary. The Greeks and the Romans pretty much ignored him, dressed him up in women's clothes and called him “Venus.” Look where the Greeks and Romans are now. Lucifer had an entire city of groupies in Babylon and was close personal friends with the king. The Hebrew prophet Isaiah thought he was a decent guy and referred to him as “bringer of the dawn.”

Lucifer was a low-key character until the Christians had an opportunity to become the “Official Religion of Pax Romana.” To stop being fed to the lions, the Romans demanded that the entire brief history of Christianity be rewritten to put the empire in favorable light.

To begin the twisting of a mellow philosophy into a belligerent criminal organization, they decided that Lucifer became jealous of God's power so God cast him out and called his followers “demons.”

Needless to say, there are a few problems with this story. First of all, why? Lucifer wasn't an idiot. He knew God created the heavens and the earth. He knew his limits involved the transportation of light to wherever it's needed. Not even Jesus Christ himself had a problem with Lucifer. In Revelations 22:16, John the Baptist quotes, “I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright morning star.” For the ignorant clods out there, “the morning star” is Venus—or Lucifer when he was forced to dress like a woman to pay the bills.

Lucifer got slandered by a combination of over-enthusiastic Christian “negotiators” and his early position in Scripture. Forget just writing the facts of the situation, it's better to simply manufacture controversy from “anonymous” sources and pound away until the lie becomes truth. Pay close attention to the surnames of modern media talking heads. They are all descendants of these Christian negotiators.

In the 4th century, there were still people that thought the Arians sold Lucifer out to leverage their position with Constantine II. The Bishop of Cagliari, Lucifer Calaritanus, led a final offensive to restore sanity to the creation myth. The fact that the guy was _named_ Lucifer implied that most people didn't associate the story with evil. The Arians, supported by Pope Liberius, insisted that Jesus Christ was divine. Calaritanus and his luciferian movement thought that peace and brotherly love were more important teachings than childish concepts of the supernatural.

Reason, like all of human history, failed miserably. Calaritanus was declared a heretic and Lucifer the Archangel, the bringer of light, the morning star was forced to resign his fight against the defamation of his character.

Lucifer still had pockets of support for the next 1600 years. The bringer of light, now branded as “Satan” wandered the earth until he received a starring role in John Milton's Paradise Lost. Milton retained Lucifer's services for the sequel, Paradise Regained. Like all sequels, from Constantine to John Paul, this one revealed more about the insecurity of the author than any useful perspective on the human condition.

The Free Masons used the term “luciferian” to describe individual enlightenment. As a group orders of magnitude smarter than the Greeks and Romans, they went on to found Columbia which is commonly referred to as the “United States of America.” The empire still exists as of this writing.

If we follow the unadulterated teachings of Jesus Christ, we must consider that Lucifer is innocent of all charges leveled against him for the last 2000 years. If Lucifer has ever suffered the passion of greed and pride, we must forgive him. If we refuse to be fooled by politics, we must consider the allegiance between the Roman Empire and the early Catholic church to be an unholy alliance of corruption that traded an archangel for beer, hookers and steak.

None of the allegations leveled against Lucifer fit his personality, history or actions. Lucifer has suffered emotional distress for at least a millennium and a half of spiritual ostracism. As the late philosopher, Johnny Cochran, once said, “if it don't fit, you must acquit.” The only conceivable way to repair the damage done to Lucifer is to anoint the next pope in his name.

If you're lucky enough to vote in the College of Cardinals during the Conclave, make sure you vote for Pope Lucifer. When we know what's wrong, we can start to make things right.

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