Fear ripped through the usually peaceful town of Pembroke, Massachusetts when an ordinary suburban home on Great Sandy Bottom Pond Road was leveled in a fiery explosion. Investigators have not commented on the obvious connections to terrorism but neither have they ruled it out.
Among the smorgasbord of declared enemies of America, only one thing is a known known: there are known unknowns as well as unknown knowns that seek to destroy the world’s most powerful beacon of freedom. On this fateful day, we learned that a group of unknown unknowns have revealed themselves as mindless terrorists:
They are cats. The cats involved in the Pembroke, Massachusetts terror event were suicide bombers. They used a widely available resource—propane gas—and ignited it using sparks created from the friction in a nearby kitty litter box.
The cats found their inspiration in an obscure and twisted 10th century ideology dictating how the beasts should live. Among their core beliefs are that they may claw furniture into oblivion and move through any door 500 times a day on demand. Computer monitors are considered sacred ground.
No doubt, you read these words in disbelief. How could the creatures you see in the neighborhood, parks or your grocery store dumpster possibly want to see America in chaos? America has been very good to cats. Now cats are starting to disregard that generosity in favor of an invisible war against freedom loving beings everywhere?
America has made many enemies. The only difference today is that we *know* that cats are willing to act against innocent lives. Cats may inflict pain but America is strong and will rise up against our newfound enemies of freedom.
