Since Richard Nixon visited China, the National Zoo has taken care of Panda bears. They research the behavior of the animals. They care for the animals. They can’t, however, get the Pandas to get it on.

After 31 years of pandemonium, everyone in Washington D.C. just gives a sarcastic sigh each spring when somebody enthusiastically shouts, “Hey! Let’s go to the Zoo and watch the Pandas do it.”

The Pandas aren’t doing anything beyond beating the crap out of each other. There’s nothing to see unless you are into Ultimate Panda Fighting.

Hsing-Hsing and Ling-Ling, the first Panda couple at the National Zoo, couldn’t produce a surviving cub. Ling-Ling had four pregnancies and never succeeded. She died at 20. He died at 28. It was a valiant effort of the Pandas in captivity and the researchers taking care of them.

Now it’s a little different.

While one can chalk up the first Panda project failure to the unknown, the impending failure of the second Panda project needs to be blamed on the Pandas themselves. This isn’t about blaming the victims. It’s about blaming the incompetent.

The resident Panda couple, Tian Tian and Mei Xiang, are also having problems mating and will likely continue the National Zoo’s track record of Panda destruction.

International animal rights groups speak of a need to “save the Panda” or “repopulate the Panda species” but guess what: Pandas don’t seem to give a damn about the fate of Pandas. Maybe they know that disappearing off the face of the earth is inevitable and, because of this indisputable fact, screwing is pointless. Or maybe they’re just stinking, dirty, vile creatures with no awareness of anything beyond routine bowel movements.

What makes a Panda “cute” and worth saving? Social constructs of “cuteness” built up by ridiculous and inaccurate 1980s cartoons have defined the Panda as “cute.” Like most social constructs, this one is false.

In a relentless pursuit of truth, we prefer the term “tasty.” That’s right. Pandas are tasty. Ever since this misguided business of saving a suicidal species started, the Panda category was the absolute best part of a typical Chinese restaurant.

There’s Bagongshan Panda, Roast Chinese Panda, Boiled Panda with Cabbage, Maofeng Smoked Panda, Fragrant Panda Shreds and, our favorite, Panda Head in Bean Curd Soup. Rest assured that this is only the tip of the iceberg in Panda cuisine.

We’re not sure why this “save the Panda” nonsense is so important. Pandas see the writing on the walls. Humans should as well. Instead of letting perfectly good Panda meat rot away at the hands of idealistic scientists and unscrupulous media outlets, we suggest calling a spade a spade and getting some Panda meat while the getting is good.

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