… there will be sex parties throughout the NFL.

On October 6th, a few Minnesota Vikings chartered a boat for a party on Lake Minnetonka. The cruise was scheduled for three hours but ended after 40 minutes because of players “acting wantonly” and engaging in “sexual misconduct.”

The “acting wantonly” accusation deserves the Obvious Guy Award for Deep Thought. These are NFL players. They play a violent sport and know that their careers can end on the next down. They live fast because, relative to the general population, they will die young. Combine reality of playing football with a pampered existence off the field and any personality trait will be amplified out of proportion. Guys that never knew how to behave to begin with are always going to earn the “acting wantonly” label.

However, when physically imposing black men are partying out at sea with—oh, I don’t know, maybe some white women–and refuse to allow the help to participate and then get upset at extortion attempts, anything can happen. These players deserve a Kobe Bryant Memorial Dumb as Shit Award for chartering a ship in Moral America (TM) but they also deserve the benefit of the doubt for the same reason.

The October 6th sex cruise of the Minnesota Vikings probably wasn’t the first sex party of October, let alone this season. Besides being in last place in every statistical football category, the Vikings are probably in last place on the Sex Party Quality Index. Nobody on the team had a yacht with Captain Cool understanding what would happen during the voyage? The Minnesota Vikings deserve last place in every way.

As for the second allegation, sexual misconduct is a confusing concept. What is sexual misconduct? All reports since the sex cruise scandal story broke simply portray embarrassment. No women are broken to tears about being coerced, raped or assaulted. Among consenting adults, sexual misconduct does not exist. These players and their ho-groupies could have engaged in an orgy that would make the ancient Roman aristocracy blush and it still wouldn’t qualify as sexual misconduct if everyone is happy about it.

What’s happening with this “scandal” is good old-fashioned American hypocrisy. Nobody cares that a bunch of football players are fucking prostitutes. It’s a fantasy of football fans and, similarly, opponents of professional football would expect nothing less. It’s a chance for political rivals to stab each other and a chance for politicians to spout more nonsense about the influence of athletics on our children.

The owner, Zygi Wilf, is on a crackheadish rampage against indecency within the Vikings organization. Does anybody really want to watch squeaky clean professional football? Wilf seems to think so. He’s hired an FBI agent for team security. Nobody gets ripped for soliciting prostitutes at that level but Wilf has hinted that because the women were flown in from across state lines, the FBI (surprise) will get involved.

Isn’t there a six foot four terrorist raghead on dialysis in Afghanistan that’s a bit more important than the sexual escapades of a bunch of athletes?

Gladiators make poor role models. The sole purpose of their existence is to serve their team. If they don’t perform, they get cut. It’s unreasonable to expect these guys to be model citizens and do their jobs. They aren’t cops. They aren’t your babysitters. They aren’t your pastors. They have no obligations to do anything except avoid idiotic mistakes like chartering a yacht from a belligerent, moralist jackass.

Buy a yacht, gentlemen. Get a captain with a criminal history in smuggling around the Caribbean. It’s not that difficult. Avoid self-righteous fundamentalist assclowns from Middle America. Money cannot shut them up so avoidance is the only option.

If the head coach, Mike Tice, decides to bench or cut everyone involved in the sex cruise, it won’t be because of the sex cruise. It will be because the Minnesota Vikings, as of this writing, do some exemplary sucking on the field.

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