It is my right as a red-blooded American to sit at my computer in my underwear and shoot deer on an “internet hunt” while recharging from porn jerkoff sessions. Internet hunting is in the category of “canned hunts” meaning that the animals are on fenced-in private property. There are over 1000 canned hunting grounds in 28 states. California wants to ban the practice of internet hunting. Supporters say it allows the disabled to hunt.

Supporters of internet hunting thinking of the disabled just brings tears to my eyes. Before I was tragically confined to my wheelchair through no fault of my own, I had grandiose dreams of competitive hunting. Now that hunting is simply a matter of log, lock and load, California along with 14 states and the federal government want to end the practice.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why must internet hunting face government censure?

Allow me to shift back into serious mode before you think internet hunting is legitimate. Basically, internet hunting is so unethical and so unsportsmanlike that people who participate in the practice should be shot themselves.

Hunting has not been fair for all 10,000 years of modern man. Humans are smarter which allows them to compensate their lack of speed and strength with weapons and strategy. While not fair, it's still very much a challenge even with a high-powered scope mounted to a similarly powerful rifle.

California officials say that people should be legally required to be at the same physical location as the game they hunt. This makes a lot of sense for scores of reasons but let's review the major ones:

First, when you are tracking an animal in the wilderness, you will have to eat, sleep and deficate in the woods as your prey does. If you don't get a clean shot, your prey will cry like a 5 year old child. That might rattle you if you're standing right in front of a wounded deer. Clean shot or not, you are responsible for the body after the kill. The real hunter will have more respect for the entire ritual while the virtual hunter treats the hunt as a video game that results in a shipment of venison for winning.

As for the argument that internet hunting allows the disabled to hunt… to hell with the disabled “hunters” and the clowns making the argument. If you are unable to actually hunt despite your desire to hunt, tough luck. In this life, you weren't meant to hunt. Maybe you'll get a better body in the next one.

Or, maybe, karma will shoot you in the ass by bringing you back as a deer.

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