Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is a calm man that has a calming effect on people. He says comforting words like, “Terrorists seek to turn our neighborhoods into battlefields,” and “The next attack could happen to any community at any time.”

If Ridge is a man possessed with the power to calm then cocaine is a great sleeping aid.

Last week, the Department of Homeland Security sent the nation to “Orange” alert. This scientifically unsound threat assessment board states that Orange alert means a “high chance of a terrorist attack.” Terrorists, of course, have been bored out of their minds and are grateful for the proverbial green light to attack Americans. They certainly wouldn’t attack without permission.

In the event of a terrorist attack, water and electricity could be gone. In the event of a terrorist attack, you may “need to shelter at home for a few days.” In the event of a terrorist attack, you will need duct tape. In the event of a terrorist attack, you should stay away from the nuclear blast.

The hypothetical scenarios offered by Ridge are absurd.

It took a week but Ridge may have recognized that his comments were over-the-top, unnecessary and scared nobody except mothers that have enough legitimate dangers to worry about without him shoving fictitious bullshit into their lives.

Today, with gusto and obsession, the media regularly described Ridge as the man with the “most credibility” to repair a severely damaged reputation for the Department. The Washington Post describes Ridge’s remarks as “delivered with a mix of authoritative weightiness and nonchalant folksiness.”

A Golden Globe nominee. Two thumbs up. “Simultaneously stunning and revolting.”, says Cyberista. One of the 10 best dramas of 2003.

“Stash away the duct tape. Don’t use it. Stash it away. And that pre-measured plastic sheeting for future — and I emphasize future – use.”

So if he emphasizes future, why are we at Orange alert now? According to the Department of Homeland Defense, the answer is that the government must “strike a balance.” Whatever that means.

To put a friendly face on fear propaganda, Ridge announced www.ready.gov, a testament to government incompetence and a valid excuse for American apathy. It was created by those strange creatures at the Ad Council that spawn the idiots that make Truth commercials and bring you wonderfully creepy commercials that encourage people to fear everything.

Telling people to hide the children, lock the doors and steer clear of nuclear shock waves is going to get the Bush administration thrown into the ocean in 2004.

Ridge needs to realize that his job is like competing in the Special Olympics—win or lose, he’s still retarded.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


five − = 0

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>