Is there a zombie apocalypse? That’s what I’m thinking about right now because my router died and I have no way of accessing the Internet. It’s been dead since 9:30 AM. I write these words as the clock approaches 1:00 PM.
My phone rings. I cannot answer. It’s out of reach. My cell phone is dead. So much for calling out for help. Nothing will get done today. I’m thankful that I’m still sitting upright in my wheelchair and not approaching death while struggling against yet another pretzel shape form of trouble I periodically get into.
Clearly, I am bored out of my mind without the internet. Why is this?
Besides the fact that it is raining, there are other problems. I can get out of the house but there is no guarantee that I can get back in. If I do manage to get back in, there’s no guarantee that it would not have exhausted my energy to get back upright. Spending a few hours with my face pinned to living room couch is something I will avoid if I can see it coming.
Such is life with the severe neuromuscular condition without the blessings of retardation to coast through it all. My awareness is as good as any video recorder and I consider that to be somewhat of a curse. Makes me want to play some Stone Temple Pilots. Maybe Crackerman. I’m in no position to gather any inspiration from Unglued. But I can’t play any Stone Temple Pilots because I usually listen to that on youtube and that requires an internet connection.
I don’t think anyone has escaped the need for instant gratification. At this time last year, probably down to the hour, I’d be having sex with my girlfriend. That’s not necessarily a better situation. It feels better, for certain, but there’s so much reality that we leave behind when we step into the haze of a relationship. For me, it’s an amazing drug. All my problems vanish during sex. As you can surmise, I’m no longer with her.
During that long adventure, I went from connecting my mind to the computer to connecting my mind to her. And now it’s back on the computer.
I’m looking at a poem she wrote about me in August. It’s in my room for the same reason I cannot access the internet and I cannot answer my phone. It is out of my reach. The poem is nice but it probably should not be here. Removing it is low priority. But why?
Everything else is gone. I help her out with a lot of computer related stuff. Maybe it’s because of all the pictures I have, this poem is a true reflection of her. For a brief period of time, she was completely in love with me. I say brief because 40 days later, she came up with the worst breakup idea possible. Actually, that’s hyperbole. Perhaps “annoying” is a better description.
I don’t hold on to anybody. If you want to leave, leave. She said she was returning to her family in Minnesota. I knew she was broke and wasn’t flying anywhere. I helped her organize her data on a new external drive I bought for her and we wrapped things up. I gave her a book for her “flight” and we went out to dinner with some friends.
Her exit moment was witnessed by all involved. Our party moved from the restaurant to the coffee shop across the street. My friend wife had to leave and my girlfriend used the opportunity to leave as well. We spoke for a couple of minutes. She kissed me and walked off.
My other friend asked justifiably, “what the hell was that?”
I felt like something bad happened. Something apparent to my friends but completely lost on me. Perhaps nothing was apparent to them except that something bad happened to me. The difference between us being that they were not emotionally tied to my, as of that moment, ex girlfriend.
I rapidly descended into crankiness and confusion was trying to pretend I was enjoying the evening. It was a beautiful September evening in downtown Lake Worth. I wish it was easy to simply let go of her that night and every night after. The biochemistry war is easily won. The primordial soup that connects us to someone wears off relatively quickly. The psychological war is another story entirely.
All experience up to a given moment ties into your next decision. When quite a few of these decisions fall under the category of relationships, things are going to be bad when it collapses. All things considered, my year and a half probably qualified as nothing more than a hut or a mud brick building. I kind of like the mud brick analogy because I didn’t experience a collapse so much as a deluge of rain which took down the house over the course of the remainder of 2011.
A couple of more things happened in the days after that night. Total psychwad things that I have since forgiven her for so long not going to recount them. I have a depleted uranium cross to bear already in this life. I don’t need to add any more weight to it. Quick to forgive and quick to forget is a good way to maintain sanity. I just wish I was better at the forgetting part.
For example, I’m still curious as to how I went from the greatest guy ever to the arbiter of evil but that question needs to stay in the past as well.
I haven’t tried to meet anyone new this year for a variety of reasons. The biggest of them has been the schedule. I secured a lot of programming work this year. Also, until very well recently, I had no single friends to attempt to go out and meet new women. A few attempts were nothing less than abortions as I clearly had not gotten the ex out of my head.
She’s gone now and not because I did this auto therapeutic screed. This feels good and I probably should have wrote this down long ago but the reason is her doing alone.
Not getting into details but you’re probably familiar with the drill. You miss someone for awhile, hear from them again and wonder why you ever wasted time missing them. That’s where I am.
Fortune has blessed me of late by reconnecting with a friend from my high school years who is quite compatible philosophically (a major problem as friends drift from circumstance or life pressures) and will probably make a hell of a wing man. Time will tell soon enough.
Two hours have passed writing this. Probably won’t see another human for two more. If this is indeed the zombie apocalypse, I need to work on rule number one: cardio.
