On February 3rd, Japanese troops will land in a war zone for the first time since World War II. Japan’s Ground Self Defense Forces will take part in missions to support the reconstruction of the ever-deteriorating cesspool known as Iraq.
As Japan is a civilized nation that hasn’t seen Arab-style squalor in well over 1000 years, government and academia went to great lengths to prepare their soldiers for the inevitable culture shock that will come from walking in a country of unwashed, ignorant and venomous tribals laced with tuberculosis.
No doubt, it will be interesting to follow the adventures of Japanese coalition troops.
Before being dropped into Samawa in southern Iraq, SDF soldiers have been warned of many things. Among them:
–Do not speak to women older than primary age. This works well for Japanese men since they are heavy subscribers to the “young n tender”, “she’s *almost* 16” kind of sexploits. Then again, so are American Marines on Okinawa. Regardless, it’s a good rule for staying out of trouble. Perhaps not speaking to women under primary age would be a good amendment to keep everything airtight.
–Do not walk around camp wearing only underpants – even if it’s hot. I don’t make this stuff up, boys and girls. I only comment on it. Indeed, Japanese troops have been warned to get dressed before leaving the tent. Judging from Japanese TV shows, Mainichi Daily News and the incomparable Yatta, this is a genuine threat to the entire Middle East.
–Eat with your right hand. Everyone knows where this rule comes from. Shit stains from Morocco to Pakistan tell the story. The left hand is regarded as dirty in the Moslem world. Perhaps “regarded as” is severely under-stating the matter. When the left hand repeatedly comes into extensive contract with the asshole, there’s no debating the definition of “is.”
Nobody is sure exactly how the left hand earned its responsibilities but speculation can be fun if not educational. The Brawny dude, also known as “Scott”, is a satanic infidel. He comes in many forms from the cute Charmin baby to the seductive, sexy woman neither seen nor heard but known to all men as Cottonelle.
Maybe the entire region could chill out without the stress of knowing their left hand smells like ass. Starting a toilet paper industry would certainly create jobs in the war-torn nation. Building a strong and democratic Iraq must begin with the fundamentals of TP.
–No drinking alcohol. No eating pork. Avoiding pork should be no problem as Japanese food is largely made up of fish. Alcohol, however, will be a major problem. Japanese society would not function without the sake. Alcohol is what makes Japan the greatest nation on earth for weird news stories. Without alcohol, upstanding citizens would not drive away in police cars for fun or open the doors of a bullet train at 300 mph. There would be no “strip mahjong” video games and Pachinko Sexy Reaction would never get developed. The world would never know how Japan has declared that “all your base are belongs to us!”
I weep at the thought of a world where the Japanese have no access to alcohol.
No alcohol on top of being unable to walk around naked or hit on the local poon is a situation where my deepest sympathy goes out to the brave Ground Self Defense Forces of Japan. They carry the pride and honor of their samurai forbears without the benefits of rape, pillage and wanton destruction that their grandfathers enjoyed.
Japanese forces should abandon their mission nonsense of learning Iraqi culture or “building friendly relationships with the local community” because, no matter how hard they try, they will be seen as reinforcements to the US occupation. There’s little wonder in that perception because reinforcements are exactly what they are.
