John Ashcroft stumbled out of his ‘safe room’ yesterday to announce a nationwide
crackdown on drug paraphernalia. 55 people were arrested and 11 Internet
sites were shut down in the federal raids.
The newly minted defendants stand accused of selling drug paraphernalia.
Specifically, selling drug paraphernalia on the Internet.
Historically, the federal government did not waste time on head shops—online
or not. They had higher priorities and bigger fish to fry. Until somebody
got a hangnail in their underwear and decided that people should go to jail
for selling miniature scales, jet lighters and hemp shirts that say “FUCKIN
DONUTS.”
Under current federal law, paraphernalia includes any product that is
“primarily intended” for use with illegal drugs, including water pipes,
roach clips, chillums, bongs, one-hitters and coke spoons. Probably
the most unusual seizure was that of “sneaky pipes.”
Lipstick applicators, highlighters and gas masks are all possible candidates for undercover smoking apparati.
It doesn’t matter that one one-billionth of the planet thinks that smoking
dope out of a gas mask is cool and that none of them are American; gas mask
bongs are now a national threat that attacks “children and young people.”
Regardless, the law is the law. Even if it wasn’t the law, you can
kiss the next few years goodbye after you become the target
of a federal investigation.
Perhaps Justice Department officials
didn’t have to be so cheesy in their comments or so confident about the impact they
will have in fighting drug use.
Consider the words of John Brown, acting chief of the
curiously named testament to failure Drug Enforcement Agency, “There are 11
dot-coms that are dot-gone.”
As Shakespeare once wrote, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
Continuing with the momentum gained from Brown’s creative thunder, Ashcroft
demonstrated his grasp of reality, “[I]n homes across America we know that
children and young adults are the fastest growing population of Internet
users. Quite simply, the illegal drug paraphernalia industry has invaded the
homes of families across the country without the knowledge of those
families.”
We’re not going to simply stick it to the Feds without looking at the
online shops. Pipesforyou.com isn’t exactly showing respect to the cops
that have decided to ignore them for the moment. 420now.com is a direct
invitation to use marijuana and can be considered a direct affront to law
enforcement. While the first site can try the “we only sell tobacco related
products” defense, 420now.com has nowhere to hide.
The biggest act of this government circus is that it comes at a time when
we might be, according to the Department of Homeland Security, attacked by
terrorists. As head of the Department of Justice, Ashcroft is responsible for enforcing the law. Clearly, laws were broken but the dedication of manpower to eradicating head shops—online or otherwise—is a questionable cause. No stretch of the imagination can turn head shop owners and
workers into evil people. In fact, they are probably the nicest people you’
ll ever do business with. They sell rolling paper and roach clips.
They don’t want to blow you up. They want to light up a bong and tune out.
It’s not a lifestyle for everyone but it’s not a business that you destroy
people’s lives over. At the end of it all, head shops sell a lifestyle just
like every idiotic mall shop does. They don’t sell anything that
facilitates or encourages drug use. Virtually nothing of what they sell
works beyond marijuana. That is precisely why head shops have a perfectly
valid claim of selling only tobacco related products.
The impact of these arrests to the drug trade is an absolute zero.
People that go to head shops to buy bongs are already doing whatever they
are doing. Purchasing a bong adds to their perceived sense of style. In
short, head shop patrons are posers.
The people that are smoking marijuana for the enjoyment of smoking marijuana
are quite content with making a bong out of a Gatorade bottle. And a
Gatorade bottle, provided that you don’t leave it under your desk or
something equally stupid, will keep everything quiet.
To use “children” as an excuse for spending money on legal exercises that do
not reduce the average citizen’s exposure to terrorism is worthy of Ashcroft
’s resignation. Busting up pot smokers for being good capitalists and
taxpayers means that somebody at the Justice Department needs a severe
beating with a cluebat.
