NASA has an unparalleled mission as far as government agencies go. The National Aeronautics & Space Administration must follow paths of exploration, discovery and innovation to preserve the United States’ position of intragalactic hegemony and to secure the blessings of liberty for us and our posterity. Indeed, it holds the future of all humanity in its hands.
NASA faced FY2001 with a meager US$14 Billion to work around. With the smallest budget of all the major federal agencies, NASA finances account for one percent of the US federal budget The lack of funding forces NASA to make idiotic relationships with those human trafficking, proxy war making, Afghan hating, Chechnya bombing, steroid dealing, deadbeat scientists known vaguely as “the Russians.” The situation becomes crystallized in the financial straits of the International Space Station (ISS).
ISS is a 16 member cartel of government space agencies that routinely interfere with the commercialization of space. A recently concluded NASA study found out that Russia doesn’t actually have any money. NASA decided that perhaps they should abandon ISS by creating a “contingency plan” to evacuate. The Russians are looking over the evacuation option. The idea, allegedly, is to save money.
In a superficial sense, NASA wants more money so they try to “save” money. They attempt to increase their budget through “augmented investments.” While it’s cool to launch crap into orbit, working with the aerospace and communications industries aren’t going to make the big bucks necessary for Buck Rogers-type the advances that humanity needs before a big rock slams into Earth and kills us all.
There is no better “augmented investment” than pornography. There is no better way to create docile and dedicated customers than through ultra-high potency orbital cannabis.
Consider the facts on porn. In 1989, Americans rented ~60 million pornographic videos. By 1999, that number rose ten-fold to ~656 million rentals per year. Adult film studios combine to produce 11,000 titles per year with an industry-wide revenue of $10 billion per year as of 1999. Porn is the early adapter of all viable technology so “astrofornication” would provide yet another creative frontier for producers and an extremely high profit margin product for NASA to sell and distribute.
Biological agents, particularly those associated with sex, can be extremely dangerous in confined environments. Beyond the danger of titanium-eating mutant cum floating through the air, sex is a smelly act to everyone except—it seems—the participants. This is why the early sessions of orbital porn should be the all girl kind. They know how to fake it well enough to keep the close quarters clean. Buyers would be confident that such films were actually made in low Earth orbit (LEO) because there would be no perplexing moments of the women drooling on each other. That cheap stunt won’t work in zero G.
“Can’t lose” pretty much sums up the bottom line if NASA starts an orbital porn studio. The agency is not new to film. They regularly release IMAX films that have educational value. Unfortunately, educational value means no financial value. While someone might consider one IMAX film a year at $18, they are far more susceptible—even willing—to take up a $50 per week habit of astrofornication DVDs.
The marijuana aspect is particularly crucial to the success of the International Space Station. According to the DEA, U.S. federal authorities seized 1,211 metric tons of marijuana in 2001 . In 1970, the average THC potency of cannabis was 2% or less. Today, the average potency is 6%. The most potent variety of cannabis is a Canadian product known as “BC Bud”. It is grown indoors, contains 20% THC and sells between $5000 and $8000 per pound in the US.
Marijuana may be illegal now but that could change quickly when viewed in the context of saving the world from a rogue comet or the colonization of new worlds. NASA must ask itself: If a bunch of Canucks can grow high quality weed in a terrestrial hydroponics lab commonly known as “apartment”, “crib” or “pad”, what kind of bud can a zero gravity, high radiation environment like ISS produce? This is kind of thinking that NASA needs to avoid leaving money on the table because of some rumor that Congress will help them or the the average taxpayer has any sympathy for them.
It’s time to grab Taurus by the horns and start making some serious money. If they don’t want a sex module on ISS, that’s fine. They can stage their porn like they staged the moon landing. No big deal as long as they don’t get caught. For the marijuana, however, it would make sense to invest in the best hydroponics lab module they can get. Preferably, one with photo-reactive windows instead of aluminum foil.
Some readers might object that using porn and marijuana to raise money for human exploration into space is somehow unethical. Consider that the proceeds are used within the context of the Outer Space Treaty of 1967—no aspect of these projects are weapons related and the product of these ventures benefit all humankind. Also consider that the CIA spent most of the Cold War financing activities against the Communists with money from weapons and narcotics sales.
NASA could make money by openly promoting peace, love and harmony—things that never hurt anybody. In short, NASA can pull this off and increase their budget by a factor of 12 within a couple of years. With $160 Billion in the bank for one year, the US could send an armada of ships to any object inside the asteroid belt. Establishing colonies and mining operations would be practical. Recruiting and retaining the finest minds to create any necessary technology (i.e., better radiation shielding) would be absolutely no sweat. Developing planetary defenses against asteroids would be more than a bunch of moving lips. Space elevator? No problem.
No limits exist except our social constructions of morality.
