It is time for the unconditional end of the HBO Real Sex documentary series. After being subjected to the inane content of Real Sex 29: Let It All Hang Out, there is only one logical conclusion: 29 episodes are 28 too many.
There is no doubt that a documentary on sexual behavior serves a purpose for the collective knowledge of mankind. The problem is that there are only so many times that you can discuss a Tampa nightclub where men and women go to watch each other masturbate. According to HBO, the number of times you can cover this particular fringe activity is no less than three as of this writing.
Real Sex is an American institution that has been on cable for at least 10 years, possibly longer. Being unable to find subjects beyond strippers in some sort of contest, middle-age couples in sex classes, weirdo sex gurus or a freak show sex circus of some kind, they simply beat the crap out of every permutation of the aforementioned formula until your brain implodes.
Real Sex moves beyond uselessness and breaks new ground by forging a degree of uselessness that cannot currently be described using a single word or phrase in any contemporary, classical, ancient or prehistoric language ever used by humans or animals.
It is not pornography. Such a use of valuable film would, at the very least, provide primal entertainment for somebody somewhere. To that industry’s credit, true pornography would not waste their time, or yours, trying to intellectualize the act of fornication. Unlike the documentary producers at the HBO Real Sex office, the pornography industry has enough insight and respect to assume that the viewer already knows how to masturbate and does not really want to know anything more about it; let alone how other people masturbate.
It succeeds at capturing a documentary feel to it but it fails the basic purpose of a documentary: to expand knowledge or understanding. This is kind of critical to anything that calls itself a documentary. With a lack of any kind of useful information such as practical implications or critical analysis, if the word “Documentary” must be applied, it should also be added that there are several missing chromosomes and the viewer risks losing a few chromosomes as well.
So, if real sex is not pornography and it is not a documentary then what is it?
According to the HBO Real Sex webpage:
The all-new places and faces seen on Real Sex 29 include:
A Kama Sutra workshop that teaches couples how to master such ancient sexual positions as “Soaring Butterfly” and “Jumping Tiger.” A pair of innovative (and unashamed) Australians who have made a lucrative business out of contorting their genitals in onstage “dick tricks.” A front-row seat to the latest “Miss Nude Great Plains” contest in Kansas. A Santa Fe wrestling competition that ends up as an orgy of oily bodies.
The sheer stupidity is astounding. The sex workshop looks contrived and ridiculous. The Australian gentlemen need to be committed to a mental institution. The term “gross” does not begin to describe what these guys do. “Painful” would be a better place to start. The Miss Great Plains competition staked out new territory in the land of absurdity by repeatedly showing the same hot blond stripper wish that she would like to, “[W]in something … for once,” in her life.
One might suspect that a woman who easily makes $3,000 to $4,000 a week to walk around naked would not really give a damn about winning things. HBO decided to show her making the same comments 17,000 different ways in the same 10 minute segment.
It didn’t help. She didn’t win.
Of all the featured segments, the Santa Fe wrestling/orgy club showed the true depth of HBO’s documentary series. The proprietor of this club started it several years ago out of boredom. After it quickly became a huge success, she was told that she should probably write a book about it. When she finally sat down to write her story, she came to a startling conclusion:
“It would only be six pages long!”
That is being liberal about the potential of such a literary project.
In the final analysis, this is a documentary series that would serve humanity best by throwing all the episodes into a big plastic bubble and burying them deep into the center of the planet to be discovered by future spacefaring civilizations that are sure to visit after the extinction of humanity. If HBO’s Real Sex documentary series is any indication, we should start planning such a time capsule quickly because the end is near.
