In your closet and in your head! Exit light! Enter night!
Completing the paraphrase of Metallica's “Enter Sandman” would make you think this article is about Michael Jackson. Thankfully, it's not. That, however, doesn't make the opening or the subject matter any less insane. Actually, the lyrics are quite appropriate.
The AP is reporting that hackers are trying to break into the nation's power grid. Hackers, as we all know, are those woefully unloveable evil doers that download internet “pr0n” and seek to undermine corporate citizens like Micro$haft by purposely misspelling everything they possibly can.
Now these hackers are trying to shut off your lights. We must kill them. The price of freedom is vigilantism. Surely you are educated enough to know that.
As the AP reports, the hackers are “untiring” in their efforts to break into our electrical grid. It obviously doesn't matter that these high stamina hackers wrote a script and are busy eating ho-hos and drinking jolt. In a worst case scenario, somebody might cause a prolonged blackout.
Inching ever closer to senility, former counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke is quoted as saying, “A sophisticated hacker, which is probably a group of hackers . . . could probably get into each of the three U.S. North American power [networks] and could probably bring sections of it down if they knew how to do it.”
It's unlikely that anyone would know “how to do it” but in the off chance that they do, how about this: keep the power grid off the fucking internet. That should take care of the hacker problem.
But, unfortunately, we live under a system of Keynesian economics which requires us to break things so we can create jobs to fix them. This is a problem and, by golly, we need to stop those shadowy hackers.
The only reason the government has yet to go Khmer Rouge on hackers is because they don't know how to fix their own computers. Otherwise, we'd be right in there with the notorious UBL.
Put yourself on the logic train here. If hackers shut down the power grid, how the hell are they going to jerk off to internet porn and “recharge” with a round of Half-Life? If hackers really are trying to put us in the dark, rest assured, they aren't Americans.
Until those hackers come to get you, sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight.
